I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
