Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize