You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
my liver is dry heaving
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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