New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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