i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
