You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
