the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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