Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
