I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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