I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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