I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
