she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
