dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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