Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
