Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
