And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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