Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
