Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just tell him i said nine months
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
