if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
