I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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