I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
