Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
