toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
there is puke in my bra ... again
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