if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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