You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
