Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize