her facebook's as public as her vagina
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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