I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
