I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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