i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
