is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
