My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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