dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
