I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
