Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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