Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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