I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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