WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
