everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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