You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize