Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
