She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
