i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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