"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
