He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
