You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Congratulations! We have a period
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