God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize