I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
