I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
