Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize