How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
