You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
