im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize