I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
