Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
