Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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