i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
