hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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