last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
