I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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